9.5 weeks and counting

:) Thanks for all the comments and words of support, really it has made my day. As most of you have guessed that last photo was an ultrasound pic I had taken Tuesday of Penrod baby #3. I am only 9.5 (only said a bit begrudgingly--working in a lab I have known since 3 weeks 2 days when my HCG was a whopping 5.8 and the last 6 weeks have been tortuously slow) weeks so it is a bit early to be announcing it already and I do so a little guardedly knowing it is early but also knowing a normal ultrasound at this point drops the miscarriage rate substantially. Mostly it is killing me to not write about it in the blog. This is my journal and it just seems wrong, untruthful even to say we did this this week and that and not include and then I spent the rest of the night throwing up. So, even if I were to lose this baby, I would rather write about it and be able to voice all my thoughts on this, my blog than to not. You all probably don't mind, well after I get whining you might, but I just figured I'd put my reasoning on here.

We are cautiously excited about this new little life. I am due the end of September so the boys will be nearly 5 when this baby arrives. It is indeed just one baby which was a big question in my mind. I *almost* wished it was 2, one because I would be done and never have to go through the first trimester misery again and two because as much trouble as they are, my boys are such the best of friends and I almost feel sorry for this little one who will have to be a loner until/if we decide to give it a sibling. But anyway, it is just one so we will get to figure out life with a singleton. Contrary to most of my posts on the subject, this baby was planned, though we conceived on the first month trying. I guess the Lord had a little one ready to go and wasn't going to give us a chance to change our minds. It was a very tough decision as I had a pretty clear memory of how I felt the first time and didn't want to take anything away from my little men, but we both felt prompted that this is the Lord's plan, and hey, He's always right. Following his promptings has only ever brought good consequences so we're holding on to that for this case too.

It has been hard though, and I feel unbelievably ungrateful complaining when there are so many who are desperately wanting to be pregnant even if it means being this sick but my sweet sweet SIL who has been through more infertility H*&$ than any one person should be subjected to says it's okay to not be happy about morning sickness so I'm not. Just miserable most of the time really--I've thrown up 5 times in the last 24 hours, lost 6 lbs in the last 2 weeks, don't want to eat (and I LOVE food) miserable. And I hate feeling like a loser mom to my boys. I am using up all the energy I can to keep things as normal as possible but today I still spent an hour on the couch watching Phineas and Ferb with Davis while Carter zoned out to Lego Star Wars on the wii. And Lowell had taken such a brunt of the load, poor sweetie, he is amazing but I know how hard it is for him to keep up with 2 very active boys and a whiny invalid wife.

Sigh, just ready to be past the sick. I threw up almost every day from 6 weeks to 28 weeks with the boys but I am praying with just one it will be much shorter. Even remembering what that was like I didn't take into account that now I have 2 kids to chase around too. Last time I slept in and lazed about besides still working full time, no such luck this time. Maybe it is better--I really do prefer to just be moving and groaning about it internally than to wallow in it alone. And it's not so terrible, just getting old fast. I have given myself a few liberties with my down time. When it is quiet at work I have started reading Twilight again. Yes, there are many (many) better books even on my shelf waiting for me, but you know what, Twilight makes me happy and helps me escape, so I'm reading it. And I am eating Lay's potato chips and over priced watermelon today because that is what sounded good. I hope to keep it down.

I have to admit a fair amount of trepidation awaiting this baby. It's like, I know my boys and I adore them. I hug and squeeze on them all day. But the little gray blob on the ultrasound is wholly unknown. I'd like to say I love it already, but I just don't know it. Everyone says you'll love all your children but I don't know what to expect. And I worry of course about all the baby trials and starting over again after having kiddos that are so independent now. Just being honest about my feelings here in my journal, I am sure I will look back on this someday fiercely in love with my baby and now it was not such a big deal. But now riding the vomit and hormone roller coaster it seems concerning.

Whew, so good to write that down, a weight off my shoulders. Sorry if it is just rambling for the rest of you. We told the boys after the ultrasound and they were so funny. Carter kept looking down my shirt trying to see the baby. I told him he couldn't see it and he said he wanted to hold it. I told him it is still really little and it will be a while and he seemed content with that. Davis is intent that he has a baby in his tummy too. He got sick last night and was throwing up and he said it is the baby in his tummy making him sick. Funny boys. As I get bigger and they can feel the kicks and such I am sure it will mean more to them. They are great with babies and will be all over this one I am sure. Anywho, that's what is new with us, thanks for the love!