Sunday, March 9, 2008

Not babies anymore . . .

Where did my little babies go? Who told them they could grow up? I can hardly believe they were ever this small any more, yet it's hard to believe they are almost 2 and a half at the same time. Davis has been having a little bit of a hard time sleeping (teething I think) so I have been holding him a little more and rocking him to sleep which is not typical for my rambunctious boy. Lowell and I were talking about it and how he just needs a little more comforting right now to feel secure and he said that was fine as long as we weren't still holding him when he is 6. I said, I hope I can still hold him then! I would love it if my little boys always let me snuggle them. There will come a day when mom will no longer be cool, no longer the center of the universe, but for now I am soaking up all the hugs and kisses I can get. I had this vision of their birth that just did not happen and I have felt a little jipped ever since. I just envisioned having my kids and holding both of them on my chest as tiny little bugs. They were born via C-Section 6 weeks early and immediately whisked away, one staying at my hospital but with IVs and oxygen and feeding tubes, the other one was sent away to a neighboring hospital on a ventilator and I didn't see him again for 5 days. I did not hold both of my babies at the same time until they were over 2 weeks old. Somehow I have always grieved holding my newborns on my chest. My beautiful boys somehow have sensed this and from time to time recreate this experience. After bath they will both crawl up on my lap and put their heads on my chest while I wrap them up in a blanket. They call it being a "baby". I love when they ask to be treated like a "baby" because it means they want to be snuggled, hugged close, and have their faces tickled. I still miss the first bonding experiences I thought I would have but wasn't in the cards, but I treasure all of the bonding I have had with these guys ever since. I nursed them until they were 18 months old just to hold them close to me. They are getting to be so independent now and it is a mixed blessing. I love that they can feed themselves, follow commands, transport themselves, and especially their ability to play together alone for 15 minutes or more. But I will always hold onto their need for their mommy, the person who is waiting to nurture and snuggle them when they need a minute to calm down and relax.

I count myself blessed every day that they are healthy and well and able to drive me crazy. It is easy for me to write a post like this as I have had to work the past 3 days and have not spent near as much time with the munchkins as I usually do. You could ask Lowell who has been home with them and he would have a much different post. One about dirty diapers, dirty house, dirty rooms, and dirty kids! But by the end of his work week, he'd be thinking the same as I do. There are so many mothers out there who have to worry every moment of the day about their child's illness or other disorder. There are those who desire nothing more than to be a mother but have not been granted this blessing. I have been blessed with 2 beautiful, healthy, active, clever boys and I can't thank the Lord enough every day for the blessing of sharing them with me.

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